Harry's Tough Times
by AntRave
Summary: Harry and co. are facing some tough times. Harry is having confused feelings with certain students, Hogwarts is being run by unstable and wacky professors, and Harry's cousin Dudley is at Hogwarts! This is a very un-PC story with the HP characters VERY
1. The Unexpected Visitor

Ch .I The Unexpected Visitors  
  
The students are just coming back from Christmas break. Harry and Ron wake up after a night of heart-pumping fun. They had just safely returned to Hogwarts. They are now in their final year. They had just returned from The Gigantic Broomstick, a gay club in Hogsmeade.  
  
Harry woke up with his forehead burning. He just dreamt that Voldemort was outside of his room. Harry was scared but also aroused. His hormones were racing out of proportion. Ron woke up as he felt something on the side of him poking.  
  
"Stop will you, you are starting to freak me out, Harry," said Ron grumpily, "you have made a great jump to our side of sexuality, I'm very surprised."  
  
Harry is speechless, turning the other way as he turns red. "I had the dream again! Voldemort is right behind the door!" exclaimed Harry.  
  
"Bloody, Harry no one is behind the door!" said Ron reassuringly. "How many times have I told you we are safe in Hogwarts?!" asked Ron.  
  
"I know we are, but my head was burning," replied Harry.  
  
"Oy, I believe I know how to cure that one mate!" exclaimed Ron, with a pleasant smirk.  
  
"Not that one, idiot!" answered Harry, "my forehead is going berserk like every time it does, Voldemort is somewhere around."  
  
Knock!  
  
"What was that?" bellowed Harry as he jumped out of the bed, naked.  
  
"I don't know...go answer, Harry," Ron whispered cautiously?  
  
The door flung open. It was Dudley Dursley, Harry's cousin.  
  
"What in bloody hell are you doing here?" screamed Harry shocked to see his cousin.  
  
"I...I am here because mum and dad have...they have died!" cried Dudley, now a hefty teenager who looks more like a mini Hagrid.  
  
"What... are you talking about?" asked Harry nervously, "what happened to them Dudley?"  
  
Dudley sat petrified, as if he couldn't believe what he had just said.  
  
"Answer me, damn it!" screamed a frusterated Harry.  
  
"Some bloody wizard in a cloak came searching for you! He thought you would be at our house for Christmas," said Dudley, crying softly.  
  
Harry looked up at Ron, and quickly ran back to his bed. Even though the Dursleys were horrible to him, deep down - he loved them. He spent eleven years of his life living at the Dursley's house. Harry broke out, pouring tears. He knew just what Dudley felt, because Harry's parents had also died together.  
  
"What happened?" Harry asked softly.  
  
"Well, it was Christmas Day and my parents were...in the family room drinking. Drinking their evening tea. I was in my bedroom, furious that they only got me a new TV and stereo," said Dudley, in angst, as if he were still mad about the presents. "I really wanted a new computer," Dudley then added, "then I heard the door burst open as screams...and moans filled the air. I was terrified so I hid in a secret compartment where I hid brownies and cookies when I was on my diet. Then I heard their screams. My parents had died, I felt in my bones as they screamed for help." 


	2. Dudley's Adventure

Ch. II Dudley's Adventure  
  
"But Dudley, how ever did you manage to get here?" asked Harry.  
  
"Well, see, it is a long story. It all happened when the people in the cloaks left the house. I quickly escaped through the back door and ran. I was hungry and had no money. So I went searching for any scrap of food; I went into countless restaurants and bars asking for just a plate or two of food. Of course they refused, and I was probably about to die after an hour of asking for food. But, just then I saw some giant figure lurking in the shadows," said Dudley, as his voice was getting deeper, "he seemed to remember me. It was a fellow by the name of Hagrid," explained Dudley.  
  
"Hagrid... Hagrid found you? But how did he know you?" asked Harry, looking for answers.  
  
"Well, he said he remembered me from your eleventh birthday. He said he was sorry for putting the pigtail on me...then he asked why was I all alone in the wizard community. I told him my story and he quickly took me to Dumb...Dumbbell... or whatever his damn name is. And well...here I am now," finished Dudley.  
  
"But are you going to live with me? I mean...what did Dumbeldore say?" asked Harry.  
  
Dudley flinches slightly, for no reason. "Well, he said I was going to stay here until we find a solution. I guess I can learn magic," said Dudley stupidly.  
  
Ron who was quiet for the whole conversation finally spoke, "You just don't learn magic, you nutter!"  
  
"But...aren't you guys learning magic?" Dudley asked, a little hurt by Ron's comment.  
  
"Dudley, we have magic in our blood. We just are advancing the way we use it," Harry said, explaining to Dudley.  
  
Somebody rose up from the bed next to them. It was Dean Thomas, the quiet 7th year. "What in bloody hell are you arguing about this time? Can't you guys be quiet? Honestly Ron and Harry please I'm trying to get some bloody rest!" screamed Dean. Finally Dean looked up and saw Dudley crying in the corner. "Who is that fat bastard?" asked, Dean terrified by the sight of him.  
  
"Oh give it a rest, Dean, that is only Harry's cousin Dudley," answered Ron.  
  
"That...that's his cousin? It looks more like his elephant!" shouted Dean laughing quietly to himself.  
  
"Take that back Dean, that is my cousin your are talking to! No one complained when your gorilla, I mean mother, visited and walked around in her knickers for a whole week!" yelled Harry.  
  
Ron was busy rolling on the floor laughing at both remarks.  
  
"Oh hush up Ron! Your family is not that pretty to look at except for a few exceptions," said Dean, talking louder after every word.  
  
"A few exceptions? You are in love with Ginny! Every time you see her, your wand sends out white sparks. Please, the Weasley men are magnets for love. Ain't that right Harry?" Ron said, smirking.  
  
"What? Ron, what...what are you talking about?" Harry says carefully and winking thoughtfully at Ron.  
  
"I mean you know our charms makes us the...uh...best friends, of course."  
  
"Well, Dudley, you can sleep in my bed, and I will sleep with Ron. I mean, share the bed with Ron. Careful not to wake up Seamus," said Harry.  
  
"Ummm.okay," said Dudley simply.  
  
"Why can't Dudley sleep in Neville's old bed?" asked Dean.  
  
"Dean umm...we have to respect that...uh...Neville is gone," answered Harry sheepishly.  
  
"Fine by me," yawned Dean tiredly.  
  
"Good one Harry, you pulled us out of a pickle," squeaked Ron. 


	3. A Whole New Vision

Ch. III A Whole New Vision  
  
As the houses woke up and went to breakfast, news of Harry's cousin's arrival spread like butter on pancakes. As Harry showed Dudley around Hogwarts, Dudley seemed to know his way.  
  
"Dudley, did you go wandering around last night?" asked Harry, being curious.  
  
"Umm, of course not," Dudley said impatiently.  
  
"You seem to know the way around," Harry said quietly.  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"Of course I have never been here before, it's just I studied the school when I used to sneak in your room," answered Dudley, very quickly.  
  
They walked into the Great Hall with amazement in their eyes. Everybody was looking at them as if they had just slapped Snape. The students just stared. Harry walked over to Ron and Hermione and sat between the two. They were used to just saving one seat for Harry, so Dudley had no where to sit. He sat in Neville's old seat.  
  
"You know it really is a shame that that bludger hit Neville. He could have been a great wizard," said Hermione sadly.  
  
"Give it a rest Hermione, we have bigger problems. Harry's cousin Dudley is here!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"You think I don't know that! There is not one thing I don't know, me being a prefect and all," said Hermione as she smiled proudly.  
  
"Well, there is one thing you definitely don't know about," said Ron as nudged Harry on his arm.  
  
"Are you sure Ron? I know about you and Harry," said Hermione conspiratorially.  
  
"What? Are you kidding me? How in bloody hell did you find out? I bet Seamus was up the whole night and heard us, Harry," said Ron madly.  
  
"It doesn't take a genius to figure out you quaffle brains. I mean, sneaking out to Hogsmeade to buy some of your brother's practical joke supplies. I heard you guys talking to George in the fire a couple of days ago," said Hermione, confidently.  
  
"Oh...umm yes, but of course. Shame on us. We are bad, bad boys, especially Harry," said Ron, smirking.  
  
"That is quite enough, Ron. Of course we went to Hogsmeade just to meet George and Fred. You caught us fair and square," said Harry, very relieved.  
  
"Wait a minute. That was way too easy, even for you Ron," said Hermione as she touched Ron's legs with her own.  
  
Ron leaned toward Harry. "Harry, that is quite enough. Someone might see us," said Ron, as he giggled in a childish manner.  
  
"What are you going on about? I am not touching you. Ron, look underneath!" said Harry, confused.  
  
"Oh it is okay, I don't care if anyone sees us," says Ron letting Hermione continue, not knowing that it was her, and not Harry, touching him the whole time.  
  
His face turned red and Ron started to get a little horny. Hermione reacted and blushed, she continued flirting and was also getting aroused. Then to break the silence, Dumbeldore called Harry and Dudley to the teacher's table.  
  
Harry stood up, wiped the porridge of his chin and walked toward the table. Dudley stood up weakly, not touching his food, which was unbelievable because he usually eats while he is brushing his teeth. But his parents had just died the night before.  
  
Harry was walking and just before he reached the staff table, William Perkins, a 4th year Ravenclaw, tripped Harry. The Slytherin table rose up cheering.  
  
"William, that was not nice! That was Harry Potter! He is a great strong wizard," said Cho Chang, a 7th year Ravenclaw beauty.  
  
After the sudden death of her long time boyfriend Cedric Diggory, she failed her sixth year of Hogwarts by not doing any work and trying to use Cedric's death as an excuse. Cho is now in the same year as Harry. She looked very scrawny, as if she only ate a cracker the whole year.  
  
Harry smiled at her. Cho smiled back. Harry and Dudley reached the table and calmly walked over to Dumbeldore.  
  
"Harry, it has come to my attention that your cousin, Dudley Dursley, has been abandoned. He had approached me and asked if he could live with you. He is a muggle, am I correct?" asked Dumbeldore strongly and very loudly.  
  
"Yes...yes sir," said Harry nervously.  
  
"Very well then, Harry, he may sleep in Mr. Longbottom's bed. Dudley, you may not know much about magic. Last night before you were here, Hagrid did a charm to allow you to see Hogwarts for the remainder of the year. You will help the new librarian, Madame Panama, in the library. Help yourself to learn more about magic," shouted Dumbledore, "Miss Granger, please escort Dudley to the library and tell him the Gryffindor house password," said Dumbeldore extremely loudly.  
  
"Right away, sir," said Hermione gleefully while covering her ears, "come with me, Dudley." 


	4. Confused Feelings

Ch. IV Confusing Feelings  
  
Most of the classes in Hogwarts were now taught by new professors. The reason behind this was because many of the professors disappeared somehow.  
  
Defense Against the Dark Arts, Harry, Hermione and Ron's first class for the day, is now taught by a sexually challenged black wizard by the name of Professor Winky.  
  
"Good morning, class. Today we will be discussing the beating nookeer," said Winky, smiling at Harry. "Yes, it is a very interesting creature; it protects itself by beating the land underneath, and then regurgitates it back in front of the enemy. There is one way to defend against it. Use the Spermlicious reductio," said Winky, while he smiles again at Harry, "well, Mr. Potter, come help me pass them out."  
  
Harry passed the strange creatures out, and sat down. Winky went over to Harry and Ron.  
  
"Do you fellows need any help?" asked Professor Winky.  
  
"I can't get this bloody spell right," complained Ron.  
  
"I am fine here," said Harry.  
  
"Ron, you will get it soon, let me help you, Harry," said Winky, as he reached for Harry's wand, and deliberately caressed Harry's hand. He started to rub Harry's arm. Ron hit Harry in the side with his elbow.  
  
"Professor, I need help!" exclaimed Ron madly.  
  
"In time, in time...Harry has yet to perfect the spell with my special wand," said Winky. He then rubbed his pants against Harry's arms.  
  
"That is enough, professor! I need help!" yelled Ron.  
  
"Fine, fine, Weasley, I am coming," said Winky boringly.  
  
Harry looked a little pleased and somewhat puzzled. The bell rang and everybody left the room.  
  
"Bye, Mr. Potter, pleased to see you had a great class," said Winky brightly, with a wink.  
  
"Well, I have to go and help Dudley in the library before Potions, see you guys later," said Hermione.  
  
Hermione left Ron and Harry alone in an empty corner.  
  
"Well, that was an odd class," said Harry, giggling.  
  
"What? Odd you were all over him, and I was right next to you! You don't know how I felt, and you enjoyed it. Am I not good enough for you?" asked Ron, on the verge of tears.  
  
"Enough Ron, I am not your boyfriend! I'm just experimenting with you. Yes, I enjoyed Winky, but I also enjoyed Cho looking at me," whispered Harry.  
  
"You don't enjoy me?" asked Ron tearfully.  
  
"Of course I enjoy you, but it is odd to sleep with my best friend. I will always enjoy you though, Ron," said Harry, smirking.  
  
"Well, let's go to the common room so you can enjoy me some more," said Ron, smiling suggestively.  
  
Harry smirked at the idea. 


	5. Relief

Ch. V Relief  
  
Ron and Harry were lying on bed, stunned on the bed, both breathing pretty heavily.  
  
"Whew. You were great, you know that, Ron. I really needed that," said Harry touching Ron's balls.  
  
"Ahhhh... Harry that is the spot. Well, I can do this everyday," said Ron, rather happily.  
  
"But we will not!" exclaimed Harry.  
  
"Why, do you have someone else?" retorted Ron angrily.  
  
"Of course not, I just think someone will catch us one of these days," whispered Harry.  
  
"Oh, ok. Well, lets go to dinner," Ron said, feeling foolish.  
  
The two put on their robes, and walked quietly to the Great Hall. They were both exhausted and were starving from their activities.  
  
"Hey Hermione," said Harry.  
  
"Hey Ron, I was worried about where you were," said Hermione, blushing.  
  
"I was worried about you too, Hermione," said Ron oblivious.  
  
"Really?" asked Hermione, sounding very glad.  
  
"No! Hahaha, you actually believed me? I knew you were in the library or whatever," said Ron.  
  
"That was not funny. I thought you cared about me! I thought you liked me," said Hermione, who was ready to burst into tears.  
  
"I do care about you, and I like you a lot," said Ron.  
  
Hermione wiped her eyes and her a smile poked out of her frown.  
  
"I love you as a friend. You are the best!" said Ron.  
  
"You don't find me attractive?" asked Hermione in a sad tone.  
  
"Well, I used to have a crush on you, if that is what you are asking," said Ron.  
  
"You liked me?" asked Hermione, wishing for a good answer from her friend.  
  
"Well, see the thing is, I really don't like any girls right now," said Ron.  
  
"But...but I love you. I love the way you smile, and bring chills down my body. I love the way your freckles look like a heart. I love your fiery red hair," said Hermione aggressively, licking her lips as she spoke.  
  
"Wow, I didn't know you felt that way. You should have told me sooner, and changed my lifestyle," said Ron carefully.  
  
Hermione starts to sprinkle tears from her eye lids.  
  
"I am really sorry Hermione," said Ron, as he stood up and walked away.  
  
"Hold it! Stay where you are everybody. I have a very special announcement," said Dumbledore loudly.  
  
Ron quietly sat down.  
  
"If you did not know yet, this might may be the last year of Hogwarts. The Ministry of Magic is closing us down. They claim we have untrained and unstable staff members. Now because of this we will have a dance to show the Ministry how normal the school is, and maybe they will change their mind about closing us down. This dance will be next week. Get your dress robes ready and clean. Now you may continue," shouted Dumbledore.  
  
"So Ron, will you go with me?" asked Hermione.  
  
"I'll think about it," said Ron.  
  
"Think about it, you know what, Ron? Forget it. I rather pair with Dudley!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
The group looked down the table at Dudley. Dudley, who was busy stirring butter into his pumpkin juice didn't notice them staring.  
  
"I would love to see that one Hermione!" laughed Ron.  
  
Hermione stood up and walked toward Dudley. "Would you care to pair with me?" asked Hermione, cautiously.  
  
Dudley looked up, puzzled. "Umm, I don't think so," said Dudley stupidly.  
  
The students laughed astoundingly. Hermione stormed out and ran to the common room. 


	6. The Decision

Ch. VI The Decision  
  
Ron was about to follow Hermione, but Harry thought it would be better if Ron just let Hermione be. Ron wanted Harry to make sure Hermione was ok, so Harry followed after Hermione.  
  
"Look! Potter has a girlfriend," blurted out Malfoy maliciously.  
  
"Oh put a sock in it Malfoy!" said Ron angrily as he defended his two best friends.  
  
"Look, the Weasel is gay! He's is protecting Potter," laughed Malfoy.  
  
The entire school laughed.  
  
Harry ran to the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"Sesame!" said Harry as he ran past the paintings.  
  
"Access granted," said the Fat Lady.  
  
"Hermione? Hermione, where are you?" asked Harry calmly. Harry heard sounds of crying coming from the girls' dormitory. Harry walked into the dorm.  
  
"Hermione, are you ok?" asked Harry.  
  
"Get...Get out of here. This is for girls only!" screamed an upset Hermione.  
  
"Oh, Hermione, it's ok, no one will know," assured Harry.  
  
Just then Parvati came walking out of the bathroom naked.  
  
"Oh, sorry Parvati, I really didn't mean to," said Harry, turning his head.  
  
"Oh, it is quite all right," said Parvati as she wrapped a towel around her.  
  
"Nice, umm body," said Harry, licking his lips.  
  
"Oh? Well, I do work out from time to time," said Parvati, feeling good about herself.  
  
"Well, it pays off really well," said Harry, while rearranging his pants.  
  
"Harry, why did you come here? To repeat what Ron said?" asked Hermione crying, reminding Harry that she was in the room. "Not even Dudley would pair with me. Am I that ugly?" sobbed Hermione.  
  
"Of course not, you are probably the best looking girl I know," said Harry.very slowly.  
  
Parvati gave a small chuckle after hearing that statement as she was rubbing lotion on herself.  
  
"How come no one thinks I am pretty?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Because Ron is too shy. You should know that, and if Dudley was half as smart as he is fat, he would know you are great," explained Harry.  
  
Hermione smiled.  
  
"If Dudley was half his weight he would only be 200 pounds," said Parvati. All of them laughed.  
  
Ron soon came up to the dorms. "Come on Harry and...Hermione, we have to go to Professor Trunky's class."  
  
"Ignored again," said Parvati frustrated.  
  
Professor McGonagall was killed the year earlier. She transfigured as a cat and was eaten by a dog. She was playing with the rats when a dog came and ate her and all the rats.  
  
"Good morning class! Ok, time to test your skills. We are having a pop quiz in exactly twenty-seven seconds. Study!" laughed Trunky. Trunky was not the skinniest teacher in Hogwarts. Actually, you would think she had sex with Hagrid and made Dudley.  
  
When class was over, the trio were headed for the common room until Hermione said...  
  
"So Harry, I am glad you will be my partner at the dance," said Hermione gladly.  
  
"What? I never agreed to pair with you," said Harry.  
  
"Oh I see, you think I am ugly too. I didn't expect that from you!" yelled Hermione, obviously upset.  
  
"I...just thought I would go with Cho," said Harry softly.  
  
"But I have no partner," said Hermione.  
  
Ron laughed vigorously.  
  
"Oh shut up! Neither do you," said Hermione.  
  
"For your information, I do have a partner," said Ron smiling widely.  
  
"Harry, you are my only choice. Please be my partner," cried Hermione.  
  
Just at that instance Cho came over. "Will you go to the dance with me Harry?" asked Cho.  
  
Hermione and Cho stared at Harry. Both were waiting for answers.  
  
"This is wicked, Harry has two girls fighting over him. Good job mate. Best of luck," said Ron as he walked away.  
  
"Well?" asked Hermione.  
  
"I... I will sleep on it," said Harry running away 


	7. Ching Chong Pong Kong

Ch. VII Ching Chong Pong Kong  
  
Harry could not sleep at all as the decision captured his mind.  
  
"Ron, who should I pick? I can't see anything wrong with the either of them,'' said Harry.  
  
"Crikey mate I don't know, it is all on you," said Ron.  
  
"How about if I go with someone else?" asked Harry.  
  
"Who would go with you right now? Everyone got a partner right after the announcement," said Ron.  
  
"I know exactly who to go with," said Harry, "your sister," concluded Harry happily.  
  
"What? Are you crazy Harry? Anyway I think she has a partner. Joke on you mate," said Ron.  
  
"Bloody! I have to pick one of the girls," said Harry.  
  
The next day at breakfast, both girls ran up to Harry and gave him food.  
  
"Here Harry, I know how you like waffles and a glass of fresh pumpkin juice," said Hermione smiling as wide as day.  
  
"Here I got you some egg rolls and butter beer," said Cho smiling.  
  
"Wow, thanks both of you, I really needed a great meal. But I could only try one before I go to Snape's class. I think I will try Cho and her dishes. I mean her dishes," said Harry hastily.  
  
"You don't want to try mine Harry?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Not right now," smiled Harry.  
  
Hermione understood what was going on and got mad. She threw the waffles at Harry and poured the pumpkin juice over Harry's head.  
  
"Hey, I was watching those waffles!" said Dudley.  
  
The students poured out laughing. Colin Creevy ran over and took a picture of Harry.  
  
"Bugger Harry, you gonna let her do that?" asked Ron.  
  
"Hermione that is it!" exclaimed Harry.  
  
"Wait, I'll fix her," insisted Cho. Cho ran up to Hermione and tripped her. Hermione fell and landed in syrup that over poured off of Dudley's plates.  
  
"Hey chink don't do that to my friend!" yelled Ron out of anger.  
  
"Shut up, Ron, at least I have a partner," said Harry ,putting his arm around Cho.  
  
"I have a partner!" said Ron sassily. He picked up Hermione and hugged her.  
  
"Oh I see... you know you don't like her. She is not your type. I will tell everybody your type!" yelled Harry.  
  
"You wouldn't!" screamed Ron.  
  
Harry and Cho walked out.  
  
"I am glad I don't have ching chong pong kong as my partner," sneered Malfoy.  
  
"Malfoy, who do you have?" asked Harry turning around.  
  
The Great Hall was silent.  
  
"I... I have Ginny Weasley," said Malfoy, somewhat weakly.  
  
"No you don't. I have Dudley as my partner," said Ginny.  
  
All the students laughed.  
  
Harry and Cho walked out quickly. Ron washed Hermione face with a wet towel, and then they both walked out. Ginny stood up and pulled on Dudley's arm, trying to leave with him, but Dudley stayed put eating his toast and mixed lard in his syrup.  
  
"Oh stand up!" ordered Ginny.  
  
"Oh, yes ma'am," answered Dudley, with a mouth full of lard.  
  
The three couples stormed out.  
  
The students were still laughing at Malfoy. 


	8. The Heat of the Night

Ch. VIII The Heat of the Night  
  
Harry had no one to talk to him in his class of World History of Magic taught by Professor Po. Professor Po was an old aged Chinese woman with slanted eyes and wrinkles. She could not speak English very well, but she manages.  
  
"Hong Kong Phooey Wonton Wang Dai Dai!" screamed Po .  
  
There was a puzzled face on all the kids.  
  
"Oh me very sowwie, me not at uncle restaurant," explained Po, "we will be learning about China," said Po.  
  
"No offense Professor, but we have been studying China for three semesters," said Hermione.  
  
"What? You no likey China?" asked Po.  
  
"Actually I have no interest in China anymore," said Hermione staring at Cho.  
  
"Tai Do phai chinky chongy poo poo platter," said Cho talking to Po.  
  
"Kung Fu ponani egg foo young," said Po.  
  
The class just stared.  
  
"Miss Granger you say you say you no likey China? You can change class. Me so sowwie, me love you long time good bye," said Po.  
  
"Fine, damn chink I will leave. Bye Ron," said Hermione.  
  
"Bye," said Ron back.  
  
The class fell silent.  
  
"Well, how you say, China very important, it make very important wizard, like Yu Ming, Ping Ming, Tin Tong Ming, Ly Ming, Zhang Ming, Gong Ming, Su Ming, Mulan Ming, and Zhi Zhi Ming. As you know they all make great potions. Well, I guess that is all. I bring some goodies you know. I have egg foo young, egg roll, mushu pork, chow mein. Enjoy you do," said Po.  
  
The class dismissed.  
  
Ron and Harry had a long stare. Then Ron fell down. Cho pushed him into Harry's legs who then tripped him.  
  
"You little bugger, got your girlfriend fighting for you?" said Ron angrily. "Only if Hermione was here," said Ron.  
  
"Why? So she can think for you?" said Cho teasingly. Cho and Harry laughed and walked off.  
  
"Boom Shakalaka!" screamed Ron.  
  
Harry and Cho legs dropped from beneath from them. They both stood up vigorously. Cho ran somewhere. Harry confronted Ron. They stared for what seems to be ages, then he pushed Ron. Cho was behind Ron kneeling down. Ron stepped back and fell over Cho.  
  
"Booger!" screamed Ron.  
  
Hermione had watched the whole thing and slapped Cho. Harry ran up to Hermione and pushed her. Cho ran over and tripped Hermione while Hermione was trying to get up from Harry's push. The two laughed and held out their wands. Ron and Hermione stood up and took out their wands. The four were ready to shoot.  
  
"What you say going on out here Chu Chu chink chong?" asked Po looking at Cho. "Oh me understand, you kiddie play around like sword fighting. You know back in the old day, China make sword, but us wizard just take wand and kill sword fighter. We be very brave," said Po.  
  
"Oh shut up Winky Tinky Foo!" said Ron.  
  
"Oh... egg roll get to your stomach? Back in the old day we have potion we call ming tai kung kong. Translation=water. Here you go," said Po.  
  
The four looked at each other and walked away. Ron stayed to drink the "potion". 


	9. Chowing Down

Ch. IX Chowing Down  
  
There was yelling and screaming in the boys' dormitory. Harry woke up clueless. Professor Winky was staring down at Harry.  
  
"Oh very sorry to wake you up, Mr. Potter, but your cousin Dudley has had a major heart attack," said Winky holding the back of Harry's head.  
  
"What, a heart attack? Where is Madame Pomfrey? Did she help him?" asked Harry. "It is a bigger than the normal heart attack, he...he ate Winky the house- elf," explained Professor Winky.  
  
"What do you mean ate her?" asked Harry cluelessly.  
  
"Look fatso over there, he say little elf take his butter. I don't know but he need to lay off butter!" screamed Po.  
  
"Calm down, I have had many heart attacks and I turned out fine," said Professor Trunky.  
  
All the professors nodded their head.  
  
"You crazy, you look like big panda big and white!" yelled Po, "speaking of panda one day I climb the bamboo and I fall. I land on big fat panda, panda save my life. So tradition say we have ceremony for panda. Panda taste great after uncle put his potion Doo Doo Hyung Pot Pie," explained Po.  
  
"Calm down all of you! Mr. Potter is dealing with great stress, Potter, come with me to my class," said Winky.  
  
"Yes, sir." said Harry.  
  
Ron was standing there looking amazed.  
  
"What are you looking at Ron?" asked Harry.  
  
"I am looking at you, why do you care?" said Ron.  
  
"Go back to sleep, you are no help!" exclaimed Harry.  
  
"On the contrary Mr. Potter, Ron woke Professor Winky, the head of Gryffindor, " said Professor Trunky.  
  
"Ron.you helped my cousin? Thanks for everything," said Harry.  
  
"No problem, Harry. You know I will always be there for you," said Ron, "anyway Dudley sounded like he swallowed a boulder or something. Worst part was when I asked if he wanted a glass of pumpkin juice to calm him down, he asked for two sticks of butter with it," said Ron.  
  
"He has problems, he needs to lose weight!" said Trunky.  
  
Everybody looked and closed their mouths, but to break the silence somebody responded.  
  
"He need to lose weight? You know you people very, very funny. What next? Winky say he not black?" screamed Po.  
  
"Come on Mr. Potter follow me!" insisted Winky.  
  
"Sorry, but I need to be with my cousin," said Harry , very scared.  
  
"Fine! I will be gone," said Winky softly.  
  
"I do not know, Harry, he scares me," said Ron.  
  
"At least say it when I am not still in the room," said Winky, smiling.  
  
"Crikey, he heard me," said Ron.  
  
"Okay Misteeer Potter and Misteeer Weasley me go nighty night ok bye, bye," said Po.  
  
"Bye little boys. I will not eat you!" said Trunky reassuringly.  
  
Harry and Ron went over to the hospital wing to check on Dudley.  
  
"Sorry Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, he is sleeping," said Madame Pomfrey.  
  
"It is okay, let them in," said Dudley weakly.  
  
"Very well then, come on in," said Madam Pomfrey.  
  
"What happened, Dudley?" asked Harry.  
  
"Well, I wanted a midnight snack and I went down to the kitchen to go eat," said Dudley hungrily, "that elf refused to give me a stick of butter for my porridge!" said Dudley, angrily. "She got an attitude like that poor black woman we saw at the mall during the summer...getting mad she got robbed. So, I just wanted to bite her, but she fell down my throat. My heart felt like I got stung by a bee in my arteries. The nurse lady says I need to lay off all foods except water and something called 'vegetables'. It was all green. I guess Ginny won't have a partner," said Dudley.  
  
"They said you will be better in a couple of days," said Ron.  
  
"But she will not be my partner anymore," said Dudley crying. "She is the only girl that liked me... I wonder why?" said Dudley.  
  
"It will be okay," assured Harry.  
  
The two left and went to sleep. 


	10. Absent Partners

Ch. X Absent partners  
  
As the students piled into Defense of the Dark Arts, Professor Winky waited until the class settled down to unleash the beast for the day.  
  
"Class, this is the jiggling poly-wagger. Now pay attention class, this fine specimen is unique and hard to defend against, if you do not have proper training. Now look here, it attacks by bouncing up and down, gaining power and launches itself at you. One simple curse to get rid of the pest is Gentallia Stoopatadia, it would get rid of all of the momentum from the species. Potter come and show them how to do it," said Winky firmly.  
  
"Coming," said Harry boringly.  
  
Winky grabbed Harry's arms, and rubbed the arms up and down. Winky then smelled Harry's hair.  
  
"Ah yes, I love the way your skin is peach white," said Winky. Winky licked his lips, and stared into Harry's eyes.  
  
"Professor, I think the class needs help," said Harry nervously.  
  
"I disagree, I think I shall help you," said Winky.  
  
Harry looked at Cho desperately.  
  
"Excuse me, Professor I need some help!" screamed Cho.  
  
"Coming, sweetness," said Winky.  
  
Winky continued to touch Harry up and down his face. Cho reacted to Winky by throwing the beast at Winky. The creature went dangerously crazy. The creature lunged into Winky's chest. Winky fell down in agony. That move could have resulted in instant death.  
  
"Cho are you crazy? What in Merlin's name were you thinking, Cho?" asked Harry.  
  
"I could not stand it he was getting more action with you than me!" exclaimed Cho.  
  
The class laughed hysterically.  
  
Winky rised up slowly, but fell again after Cho tripped him from his knees.  
  
"Miss Chang, may I have a word with you?" asked Winky politely.  
  
"Say it in front of everybody! You fag!" screamed Cho.  
  
"Oh Miss China you don't want me to say this out loud," said Winky very sassily coming inches away from Cho face.  
  
"Professor, with all do respect please let it go, it was an accident," pleaded Harry.  
  
"Mr. Potter stay out of this! Your little friend is in deep trouble. Miss Chang will be spending the dance in detention!" yelled Winky.  
  
"What? But I... I already picked out my dress robe! You can not do this, this is my last year at Hogwarts!" sobbed Cho.  
  
Harry stood astonished.  
  
"Well, well, it is settled, Miss Chang say what you will, but that was certainly not an accident," said Winky calmly. Winky went right over and started touching Harry.  
  
Cho stormed out the class. Harry swung his arm out of Winky's grasp.  
  
"Potter, do you want to have detention also?" asked Winky.  
  
"I might as well, Cho was my date to the dance," said Harry softly.  
  
There was loud screaming coming from the hallway. Professor Po appeared in the class.  
  
"Professor Winkeeeeeeeeeee can me have words with you? My niece inform me you say she no come to dance. Why you do that to pretty girl?" asked Po.  
  
"She called me a homosexual," said Winky.  
  
"What!" screamed Po. "You not, you know, touchy- touchy on boys?" asked Po.  
  
"I refuse to answer," replied Winky softly.  
  
"Aww so you very, how you say GAY!" screamed Po. "Stop lie to yourself, you blame my niece for everything," screamed Po. She sees Winky hand touching Harry. "Looky you touch Mr. Potter, you verrrry gay," said Po.  
  
"I had enough! Professor please excuse yourself out the door," said Winky calmly.  
  
"Back in China we hate gay people! We have celebration for them, it call Wei Tou Le Li Ly Kimichiwa. You call it in this world as Halloween, Day of Dead, because all gay people die!" screamed Po twitching at the thought of gay people. "Cho will go because she spend all day in my class on dance day, she stay with me," said Po leaving, passing out egg rolls to the kids as she leaves.  
  
Cho walked in behind her smiling.  
  
"Miss Chang, even though you brought your ancestor to fight your case, you are still having detention!" screamed Winky.  
  
"Professor Winky, no offense, but this is the last year of Hogwarts for us and maybe the last year for everyone. I think we should all enjoy the dance. What if you couldn't go to the gay festival?" asked Hermione snobbishly.  
  
The class laughed even louder than ever before as they all watched Winky reply.  
  
"Miss Granger, you will also be joining Miss Chang for detention," said Winky.  
  
Ron jumped at the words.  
  
"Class dismissed!" screamed Winky.  
  
Hermione stood still in the hall. "Why couldn't I keep my big fat mouth shut," said Hermione talking to herself.  
  
Cho started to cry. 


End file.
